Anne Heck

Ahhhh Summertime!

For years I’ve claimed fall as my favorite time of year.  I love a carpet of colored leaves underfoot and feeling crisp air about me. 

Right now, it’s summertime and I’m finding this moment full of perfection.  The black raspberries have come and gone and this morning I made a batch of berry muffins from my dwindling supply.  As well, the peaches are golden and sweet and are, yes, wooing me to relish this summer day. 

I’ve been making a practice of observing my beliefs and am humored by some of what I’ve learned about myself.  In light of this moment, I can honestly say that I no longer believe fall is my favorite time of year.  I’ve realized that I don’t have to choose favorites because every moment can hold the fullness of what I perceive a favorite contains.  The more I stay present to what this moment offers, the more fullness I experience in life. 

So, in this moment, I have my cup of hot tea, a fresh-baked berry muffin and I sit on my front porch taking in the songs of the morning.  This moment fills me . . . ahhhh summertime!

Heeding the Call

Last summer I had a dream in which I was surrounded by a community of beautiful, powerful women.  This vision was so unexpected and so enticing that I paid close attention to what arose in relation to it.

Within a week, I received a call from one of my teachers; she shared that a request had come to her to hold a Vision Quest ceremony for women.  I knew this was where I wanted to be and was quite sure, even at that time, that I would be going atop the mountain to request a vision. 

For the past year, I’ve been sitting 2-3 times per month with a group of extraordinary women.  I’ve had the opportunity to look more closely at my personal history and to get to know myself more deeply.

If we want to know ourselves, we have to surrender to a Higher Power who knows all about us – our weaknesses, our mistakes, and our potentials.  Many Native American tribes do this through a meditation known as the “Vision Quest” – the setting aside of a time and place, alone out in nature, to communicate with Spirit and explore that which is within.  Somewhere in that space of time as we are questing (or in the preparation or aftermath of the actual quest), answers come.

I’m at a crossroads in my life as I’ve spent much of my adult life healing, raising my awareness and knowing myself deeper.  At this point, I’m choosing to have clarity about my future path of service.  I’ve heeded the call to sit on the mountain for a vision this August.  I have much gratitude to be supported in this work by a circle of beautiful, powerful women.

Lightness of Being

My doll-making journey has paralleled my recent musings on the feminine.  One of my latest creations has brought me messages about the mystique and beauty of being female.  Her name is 'Cinder' and as may be apparent by her photos, she's very perceptive while being a tad mischievous.  Cinder came to me after I visited the darkness of my scapegoat and I'm still reveling in her lightness of being.

Cinder is teaching me the value of staying light, of not taking myself too seriously, of dancing to the mood of the moment and being playful.  Part of what she's here to teach me is how to fly.  Interestingly, her wings have gone through several iterations and she tells me they're still not quite ready for take-off.  I'll revisit this when the timing is right.

Meanwhile, another doll is coming through to support me in balancing my masculine and feminine aspects  -- the Compassionate Mother.  This one is taking time and patience and I feel her overflowing with light and love.  Stay tuned!

Cultivating the Feminine

Over the course of my life in general and more intimately over the past few months, I’ve observed the degree to which I identify with my masculine nature. It’s been my tendency since early childhood to live up to expectations of my father and society’s masculine-oriented expectations of success.  In many ways, I’ve walked what I felt was the ‘more respected’ path, often dismissing my own feminine desires as ‘wimpy’ and ‘unworthy.’

I'm aware that it’s not the case that this rejection of my feminine nature resulted from being violently raped; perhaps it’s more likely that incident was predicated from my conceding to our cultural belief in feminine powerlessness.

With this awareness, I’ve been experiencing some anger and loss and am seeing part of the path before me as a quest to heal this feminine wound.  In my quest, I’ve been resonating deeply with the Native American Flute.  I made a bamboo flute last year and fell in love with the process.  This past December, I happened to express my interest to my dad and he decided to run with it.  He's quite skilled as a woodworker and though he knows little about music, he's been spending the past month crafting native flutes.  I visited this past weekend to take part in the process.

As I move into this space with greater respect for my feminine nature, I'm profoundly aware of those places that I have, in the past, plowed through life only desiring an outcome, how I mistook this moment as unworthy compared with product or result, how I severely undervalued the power in simply being with what's before me.  As I embrace these more flowing aspects of my nature and allow my intuition to take precedence, I'm beginning to understand the power inherent in the feminine.

It feels timely that I'm creating flutes and also a blessing in many ways to have my father by my side.  I'm grateful for being shown this way to embrace the balance of my wholeness. 

I'm anticipating some sweet flowing music.

Grateful for our Time Together

One of our dearest friends passed on this evening.  Jordan has been a constant loving energy in our lives for years.  She has grown with my children, basking in the sun on our front porch, sitting patiently outside our door waiting for her doggy biscuit, lovingly sitting by our side to have her ears scratched and always making herself available for soft cuddly hugs. 

Liza has always had a special relationship with Jordan which I've written about before.  It was Liza who wisely shared that even though Jordan couldn't see, it was okay because she had eyes in her heart.

We all felt sad today to know she no longer walks with us; Liza took it hardest.  She shared how she just hugged her yesterday out in the sunny grass and how she just wanted to hug her one more time.

It made me realize how grateful I am for my time in communion with others, for companionship with those I love, for the time we do get to hold hands, scratch ears, hug and touch one another, for the gentleness and unconditional love of our furry friends.

This evening, Liza and I sat on the earth beside where Jordan was buried, the stars barely lighting our faces; there we said our words of gratitude to Jordan for our time together.

As we sat, I thought of how Jordan had loved us for years, even when she couldn't see us.  Now it's our turn to engage those eyes in our hearts.  Thank you, Jordan.

A Precious Gift

Children offer such heart-warming reminders of the really important things in life.  My 9-year-old son Joseph was asked to write a poem over his holiday break about a gift that was precious to him.  I wondered if he'd write about Star Wars Lego or, perhaps, his new adventure belt with all his survival tools in it.

I was touched by what he wrote --

A Hug From My Parents
by Joseph Heck

a warm blanket
wrapped around
me
a rainbow
of colors
up next to
me
the taste
of candy
fills my mouth
I smell
the
scent of
mints
sparkly
like a
bee drawn
in by a
flower
like a
purr
of a cat
on my lap
sweet
warm
special

Solstice Reflection

Dollmaking continues for me and they're coming in all sizes and shapes.  What's more, those that are appearing feel light - a perfect match for winter solstice. 

This little woodland fairy was inspired by the work of Salley Mavor.  I made a little cotton draw-string bag for her to live in and gifted her to my friend Miriam who runs Drum Song Sanctuary in Chapel Hill, NC.  Last week, I drove to Drum Song to take part in an Arapaho Sweat Lodge Ceremony. This ceremony is one for cleansing through sweat and prayer; it gave me an opportunity to be clear about what I'm no longer wanting to carry.

Cleansing seems to go hand-in-hand with this solstice time of the sun's rebirth.  I watched the sun rise this morning and stated my gratitude for new beginnings.

Cleansing is also in sync with my desire to create  -- to put outside of me that which desires to come out.  And my creative urges seems to deepen in proportion to the depth of cold that surrounds me.  We had a winter reprieve this past week with some near-70 days and I was out on the hiking trails, but as old man winter came knocking this morning, I felt myself drawn back into journal pages and fabric swatches.

Curiosity Abounds

This fall is full of new beginnings.  My youngest has begun kindergarten and as we've been together since her birth, this parting has brought about big changes to my days.  For the first time in 9 years (since the birth of my first child) I have consistent time to follow my heart.  Much of my time right now is filled with doll making which brings me lots of joy.

In addition, I gave up a piece of my identity this summer.  Realizing that the survivor story no longer resonated with me, I felt a real need to lay it down.  This may seem like a small act, but it's changed my perception of who I am and has opened me up to many possibilities.   As well, it's brought about a wonderful curiosity about what each moment has to offer and I find myself feeling giddy at times with the surprises that come my way.

So, I'm in a refreshing place -- one full of wonder and possibility and a lightness of being.  A friend told me this week that she feels my fairy friends are weaving magic to herald this new beginning in my life.  This feels true for me.

These are photos of one of my newest buddies (design inspired by Sarah Jones) . This one is innately curious and has some things to teach me about the wonder of each moment.  I haven't yet gotten its name, but it sits on my desk and definitely has a knack for keeping me light.

A Visit from the Fairy Realm

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been participating in Barb Kobe’s Medicine Doll Journey in which I’ve created dolls to facilitate my healing.  This experience has offered some profound opportunities for growth as I’ve worked through several iterations of my scapegoat doll and finally reached the depths of my fear.

The next portion of Barb’s process is about creating a talisman that personifies the strengths that I wish to walk forward with.  I’ve done some journaling and sketches, but this one has not fully  materialized.  Instead, what has come is a visit from fairies . . . so I’m indulging in bringing these beings to life.

My first fairy was in the fashion of Salley Mavor and was both easy and fun to create.  Her form is from a pipe cleaner wrapped with embroidery floss, clothes from felt that is hand-embroidered and wings and skirt from silk flower petals.  Her hat, of course, is an acorn top.

I've not done extensive journaling with this one.  What I do get is that the fairy's message is about the importance of lightheartedness.  I have lots of gratitude for the joy I experience as I bring these beings to life.

Heart Power

In the fall of 2004, I began sitting with a Cherokee medicine man  whose teachings have led me to look at the signs and symbols of my life in a new way and to open to the infinite possibilities available in life.

I've observed myself over the past four years move more fully into operating from a heart space rather than from my head, which is both refreshing and powerful.  I wrote this poem in the winter of 2004 and am still moved by its words.  It's entitled  Heart Power.

Sunrise from the mountaintop
Dense earth between my toes
Standing ‘neath the mighty oak
Sensing wisdom it bestows

Talking with the animals
Conversing with the wind
Knowing in my heart
Things my mind can’t comprehend

I’ve hidden behind intellect
I’ve scoffed at how I feel
I’ve asked so very many times
If all of this is real

I listen to the silence
Hearing voices soft and clear
Telling me with confidence
There’s nothing I need fear

And so I trust the silence
Putting heart before my head
‘Cause I know it’s in this spirit
That we all are surely led

I need not have a reason
Only know I made this choice
It’s with this step of faith
I find power in my voice

And as I speak my truth
I sense movement with each word
With this power mountains shift
I cannot become deterred

Now I ride upon the wind
Whisper secrets to the crow
Talk openly with angels
‘Cause in my heart I know

That I create the heavens
Right here upon the earth
Through my imagination
I continually give birth

‘What’s real?’ ‘s not the question
‘What’s possible?’ is mine
Shall I dance with lady slippers?
Drink the nectar columbine?

Shall I float on leaves carried by the wind?
Drink raindrops off the grass
Shall I brush my hair with sunshine?
Weave a web of clear blue glass?

I’d like to fly with eagles
Releasing hold on all I know
I stand upon the cliff’s edge
And feel the breezes blow

Without a thought, I take a step
Sweet spirit carries me
It’s all that I’ve imagined
My heart has set me free