Anne Heck

Curiosity Abounds

This fall is full of new beginnings.  My youngest has begun kindergarten and as we've been together since her birth, this parting has brought about big changes to my days.  For the first time in 9 years (since the birth of my first child) I have consistent time to follow my heart.  Much of my time right now is filled with doll making which brings me lots of joy.

In addition, I gave up a piece of my identity this summer.  Realizing that the survivor story no longer resonated with me, I felt a real need to lay it down.  This may seem like a small act, but it's changed my perception of who I am and has opened me up to many possibilities.   As well, it's brought about a wonderful curiosity about what each moment has to offer and I find myself feeling giddy at times with the surprises that come my way.

So, I'm in a refreshing place -- one full of wonder and possibility and a lightness of being.  A friend told me this week that she feels my fairy friends are weaving magic to herald this new beginning in my life.  This feels true for me.

These are photos of one of my newest buddies (design inspired by Sarah Jones) . This one is innately curious and has some things to teach me about the wonder of each moment.  I haven't yet gotten its name, but it sits on my desk and definitely has a knack for keeping me light.

A Visit from the Fairy Realm

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been participating in Barb Kobe’s Medicine Doll Journey in which I’ve created dolls to facilitate my healing.  This experience has offered some profound opportunities for growth as I’ve worked through several iterations of my scapegoat doll and finally reached the depths of my fear.

The next portion of Barb’s process is about creating a talisman that personifies the strengths that I wish to walk forward with.  I’ve done some journaling and sketches, but this one has not fully  materialized.  Instead, what has come is a visit from fairies . . . so I’m indulging in bringing these beings to life.

My first fairy was in the fashion of Salley Mavor and was both easy and fun to create.  Her form is from a pipe cleaner wrapped with embroidery floss, clothes from felt that is hand-embroidered and wings and skirt from silk flower petals.  Her hat, of course, is an acorn top.

I've not done extensive journaling with this one.  What I do get is that the fairy's message is about the importance of lightheartedness.  I have lots of gratitude for the joy I experience as I bring these beings to life.

Heart Power

In the fall of 2004, I began sitting with a Cherokee medicine man  whose teachings have led me to look at the signs and symbols of my life in a new way and to open to the infinite possibilities available in life.

I've observed myself over the past four years move more fully into operating from a heart space rather than from my head, which is both refreshing and powerful.  I wrote this poem in the winter of 2004 and am still moved by its words.  It's entitled  Heart Power.

Sunrise from the mountaintop
Dense earth between my toes
Standing ‘neath the mighty oak
Sensing wisdom it bestows

Talking with the animals
Conversing with the wind
Knowing in my heart
Things my mind can’t comprehend

I’ve hidden behind intellect
I’ve scoffed at how I feel
I’ve asked so very many times
If all of this is real

I listen to the silence
Hearing voices soft and clear
Telling me with confidence
There’s nothing I need fear

And so I trust the silence
Putting heart before my head
‘Cause I know it’s in this spirit
That we all are surely led

I need not have a reason
Only know I made this choice
It’s with this step of faith
I find power in my voice

And as I speak my truth
I sense movement with each word
With this power mountains shift
I cannot become deterred

Now I ride upon the wind
Whisper secrets to the crow
Talk openly with angels
‘Cause in my heart I know

That I create the heavens
Right here upon the earth
Through my imagination
I continually give birth

‘What’s real?’ ‘s not the question
‘What’s possible?’ is mine
Shall I dance with lady slippers?
Drink the nectar columbine?

Shall I float on leaves carried by the wind?
Drink raindrops off the grass
Shall I brush my hair with sunshine?
Weave a web of clear blue glass?

I’d like to fly with eagles
Releasing hold on all I know
I stand upon the cliff’s edge
And feel the breezes blow

Without a thought, I take a step
Sweet spirit carries me
It’s all that I’ve imagined
My heart has set me free

Finding Faith

One of the questions that’s challenged me over the years is WHY I was raped – not in the sense of “why me?!” but rather, how was it that I invited this incident into my life.  My studies of Science of Mind and Law of Attraction have made me look very closely at what was happening in my life at age 26 that would have made me resonate with this tragedy.   The most plausible explanation that I’ve explored is that I signed up for this when I came here, but even this hasn’t completely satisfied me.

The question came up again in relation to issues of trust, specifically, trusting myself and my inner guidance.  I’ve known for some time that I clearly got the message that day not to go down that road to where I was raped, but I went anyway.  It hasn’t intuitively resonated with me that I would ignore what now seem to be such clear messages to avoid this path.

As Spirit would have it, I was exploring this with my women’s circle recently and shared the happenings of that morning I was raped:  how I sat at breakfast thinking about my good friend Ted and how much I admired his deep faith, how I set out with an intent to ride where Ted and I had ridden just a few weeks earlier, how I was clear that I was seeking what I perceived Ted had – strong faith, and how that search felt so connected with my intent to ride that path on that morning.

I realized as I shared these details that I had a much higher purpose that day, one that has delivered me to this place where my faith is strong. I had set an intent that morning – to find my faith – and even the intuitive warning signals were not going to stop me from pursuing this journey.   

I answered my question with some sweet memories.  Interestingly, Ted left me a message on my voice mail that day.

 

Standing in my Power

For a number of years since my rape, I’ve resonated with the martial arts and pursued a practice of tai chi for a time.   Last year, I felt my interest increase in taekwondo and yet, I wasn’t ready to pursue it.  A couple weeks ago, I felt inspired and ready to move forward, so I stepped into a trial class at a dojo near my home.  The teacher was someone whom I knew and admired for the good way in which I had seen him work with children.

It was empowering to be on the mat, working through forms, feeling fully present in my body and hearing the power of my voice.  Unexpectedly, I heard the instructor claim himself sexist.  “What?!  Did I hear that correctly?!”  Then he repeated his proclamation and added some words that were, in my opinion, degrading to women (there were 5 women present in class and 1 man). My enthusiasm was awash, my energy dampened and my mind confused.  I left unsure what this was about for me, but determined to find my place of clarity in it.

At first I felt anger and resentment, then sadness and finally, a calm knowing that this was not about the instructor, but about me.  I had been given an opportunity to stand in my power and speak my truth.  So, I scheduled an appointment with the instructor and we met.  Just before the meeting, I was graced with another awareness – I had not lost respect for him as a person, I simply could not hold respect for his action of identifying himself as sexist and speaking words of questionable integrity.

In addition to the surface experience of his actions, this episode played out many parallels to my walking down that gravel road to be raped.  It caused me to connect deeply with my inner guidance and to know the truth of who I am and my innate worth.

Meeting with the instructor was empowering for me and, I feel, beneficial to him as well.  I’m not continuing with classes; I received an exceptional teaching from my trial class.

And Spirit Whispered

So much of what I’ve experienced the past 8 months has paralleled my journey through rape.  Of course, I’m getting to return to those rough, hard places most directly through EMDR therapy – that’s very intentional.  But, in other ways, life is handing me opportunities to relive the path that once felt so brutal and uncomfortable.

Since I was raped, my response to fearful situations was often to pull away from the fear and focus fully on something that distracted me from my perceived cause of my fear.  I’ve been working the past few years on stepping toward my fear to prove to myself that I could walk this way.  This latter approach has been somewhat successful in helping me to gain confidence; however, it did little to comfort the fearful voice within.

Not long ago, I was riding my bicycle on the Blue Ridge Parkway and as I rode, I heard someone approaching me from behind.  I found myself experiencing great anxiety and trouble breathing. As this hadn’t happened for several years, I asked Spirit why this was happening.  And Spirit whispered “you’re being given the opportunity to do this in a good way.”

In this moment, I recognized my fear and myself as separate.  Unlike similar episodes of the past, I chose to embrace that 26-year-old who was frightened.  I dismounted my bike and sat on the earth to absorb her healing energy and ground myself into my knowing.  It was one of the most empowering actions I could have taken as I now know that I have all the resources I need to support myself in moving through my fears in a gentle and compassionate way. 

Thank you, Spirit.

Embracing the Fear

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. ~ Dorothy Thompson

I've been sitting with my Scapegoat doll - Fear - for nearly a month now and have developed a deep gratitude for her presence in my life.  As she whispers to me, I let her know that I'm listening, and that I'm taking care of her.  She's helped me significantly in my ability to discern my inner voices and to know with clarity when fear is wanting to control my actions.

What I've realized is the depth with which she operated my life.  The overwhelming fear that I experienced in being beaten was internalized for many years, and only after my case was brought to court 4 years ago did I begin to loosen my armor and allow my emotion to emerge.

I'm amazed at the ease and peacefulness that I'm experiencing now.  Granted, I still have much to heal, but it's been enormously freeing to get this piece up and out and to know that she - Fear - is not who I am.

I'm grateful for having a relationship with Fear, rather than identifying with and acting out of it. 

I embrace this one for the gifts she has offered on my journey

Fear Exposed

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.  ~ Marie Curie

I've just completed my Scapegoat as part of Barb Kobe's Medicine Doll Journey.  This portion of the process is about making a doll that symbolizes your pain and offers you an opportunity to embrace your struggle.

It's been challenging for me to do this piece.  What came up first in my journaling process was a feeling of shame and emptiness;  I made a scapegoat based on these feelings as well as some of my sketches and I posted it in February.

But then I dreamed another doll which was, I feel, a deeper dimension of my first scapegoat; it was filled with fear.  So, for the past 3 weeks, I've been purging these feelings through my hands to create this Scapegoat. 

I've been sitting and journaling with her for a couple days and am developing a deep compassion for her. 

I feel she embodies the terror I felt upon being beaten and raped.  Her arms are bound, her legs are liquid -- as if she doesn't quite possess them. 

As I've brought this one into form, I've had the opportunity to look fear in the face and to understand so much of my experience over the past 18 years. All good and very rich, just not where I choose to become stagnate. 

I'm especially grateful for releasing this fear and for the gentleness of this medicine doll journey.

Signs of Spring

Blue iris poked its heads through the dried leaves a couple weeks ago and now the daffodils are parading their shiny faces about my yard.  These are, indeed, refreshing signs for me as I have been with the iris bulbs deep underground for months, looking at the darkness. 

This wintering over has been most challenging for me.  While  winter can appear mild on the surface, there are sometimes deeper roots that need to be grown to achieve the stability to then grow upward. 

My experience is that seeds planted years ago on this earth are just now pushing through to the light and becoming full of themselves.

This spring is full of the richness and depth of my journey.  And it's oh, so wonderful to show my colors.

Scapegoat Complete

I've been laboring over my Scapegoat doll for 2 weeks now -- journaling, sketching pictures, feeling really uncomfortable with the process, losing sleep, spinning my wheels.  And I've  completed her.  She's nowhere near eye-candy, but I connect with her in a deep, heart-felt way. 

This week I discovered a part of me that feels it's been frozen for years.  At age 26, I had a perception of being invincible and all being well -- I really trusted life's process, albeit in a naive way.   When I was raped, my sense of true joy and freedom became unreachable -- hidden behind my fear of experiencing pain again.

My scapegoat is named is Mesh Mess. The interplay of empty and full have been ever-present in this process.  The wire mesh represents my feeling of missing out on being able to hold any essence of fullness -- it's my feeling of emptiness.  I've made a smiling mask on half of the face to show my exterior mirage of all being joyful - full of life, while my interior landscape is that of unworthiness, lack and shame.  I whisked some paint onto the mesh in colors that felt appropriate and I stamped words on clay, fired them and glued them to the mesh surface.

She does seem a mess and yet has already shown me that she's really just needing love and compassion.  This is not a doll I'd hold as the wire mesh is very prickly and hurts my hands, but I'm certainly connecting with her through my heart.

Yesterday morning I journaled with her and she sent me this poem:

Playmates

Emptiness and Fullness came together for a day.
Bleak, silent void of Empty did not know what to say.
Overflowing with abundance, Full grabbed Empty by the hand;
And led her off to play in her imaginary land.

Drained of joyful emotion, Empty sat down in her path.
This, of course, seemed funny and Full began to laugh.
Tears welled up in Empty's eyes; her chest began to heave.
So Full sat down beside her, allowing her to grieve.

Full held Empty in her arms, watched the tears that had no end.
Then she realized the irony she saw within her friend.
Why, Empty wasn't empty, she was really FULL of tears,
And just needed to express the pain she'd held for all these years.

And she needed Full's compassion at this time when all seemed bleak.
So Full held Empty close and wiped her teary cheek.
At this moment, Empty melted in the kindness she received
And found that she could feel not so heavily aggrieved.

This healing moment gifted Empty with a valuable life tool
And it helped her to know that she too could feel full.
The sad unworthy feelings Empty now could rise above
Because she was connected with what she knew was love.